In a sense, a substance abuser is the same as a domestic violence victim. No matter how much you struggle to make them understand that their situation is harming them, they have to let go when they are ready. Just like drugs, "harmful love" can damage your body. It makes you risk everything. You start to justify the actions behind the behavior. It clouds your vision and you are unable to see that problems exist. It keeps you separate from your family and friends. When it seems like people pull in close to help the more your run farther away. So what do family and friends do? Sit by the phone to wait for "that call"? Since we are comparing drugs to abuse then wouldn't we use the same remedy to escape from abuse as we would from drugs?The best thing to do to stop using drugs is to get away from the drug or to distant yourself from activities that influence the drug use. To successfully complete your stages of withdrawal you will need to have ongoing support from family, friends and the community.
The first step is to realize that a problem exists:
Some people do not know what abuse is. If he or she feels the situation is normal how do one know to get out? Explain to them what abuse is. Remember: abuse can be VERBAL, EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL, SEXUAL and FINANCIAL.
So, what can you do to help your friend and/or family member to understand that is an abusive situation?
LISTEN: be there for them at all times. When he/she is ready to talk, you will be the first person he/she calls.
PLEASE DON'T JUDGE: The more you state that you dislike his/her partner then he or she will feel you don't have his/her best interest. However, take caution. Know what behavior to report and seek further help. Your friend may be upset but he/she will live to get over it.
SPEND TIME WITH HIM/HER AT MUCH AS POSSIBLE: Most abusers isolate their victims. Keep his/her mind free and able to spend less time with the perpetrator. The attacks happen usually behind close doors and usually in their home. Keep him/her busy and out of the house.
HELP HIM/HER CREATE A SAFETY PLAN: Love isn't the only reason why he/she may be there. Financial reasons may be why he/she stays. There is fear of failure especially for married couples or for couples with children. He/she needs a plan to figure out where the income will come from and/or where to escape if a severe attack happens. To help a friend build a safety plan, visit this site and scrolled down to the bottom of the page http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html
GIVE HIM/HER A NATIONAL HOTLINE NUMBER: just in case she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you. Some victims are afraid to be judged and sometimes family and/or friends tend to gossip when they get frustrates about a love one's situation.
To find out about help in your area, call:National Domestic Violence Hotline:1-800-799-SAFE1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
TAKE CAUTION: Know what behavior to report and seek further help. Your friend may be upset but he/she will live to get over it.
DO NOT PUT YOURSELF AT HARM: If you get a call, never go alone. Domestic situations are even risky for Law Enforcement. If you are on your way, call the police to meet you.
Do not be ignorant and/or shallow. You might think the behavior he or she is putting up with is stupid. Of course it is, but we all do stupid things and at the end we all need support.
LNP
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Impossible Standards: Nothing I do works: Diary of a Black Girl
Sitting here after a long day of work, I hardly ever watch 106 and Park. For one, I don't have a lot of time and for two it seems as if it draws more attention to the younger crowd. That's another story. This guy with beautiful skin and dreads laid neatly in all the right places caught my eyes. Wale. I pronounced his name as Whale when I first seen it. How silly of me? Let's get on task here. Did u see the video? It was heartfelt as I described earlier it was way too familiar. That diary belonged to me at least some part of my life and/or one or many of my close friends. The message I am assuming he is trying to convey is that we (women) carry hurt on from one relationship to another. At the beginning of the video he has a brief encounter with this girl who just fans him off. She doesn’t seem interested to know what he has to offer her, if anything. If you listen closely you can hear her friend tell her “don’t even sweat it”, as if they’re discussing something prior.
“Rather lose love than to move on never knowing what it feels like.” That is a powerful statement. I believe that young women go through a phase in a relationship where they assume it is love and are afraid to let go. Sometimes I want to tell young women “if you ever experience real love then you will not waste your time.” The reality is we know when something is not right. We just do not want to believe it and hope it will get better. This is normal, but sometimes enough is enough.
Wait there is more…..
“Listen to your friend gets another man for a minute then repeat,
Queen, you deserve the title but she rejects what I give, while she nurses the wounds by them.” I have to agree with Wale again. I have heard women say, “No need to start a new relationship it will be the same.” What about the women who give the next dude a tough time because she is scorn? We have our guard up the second time around. Sometimes when we have experienced an unhealthy relationship, we do not realize when someone else’s intentions are good.
“Raised by a momma who, who,
Hate her baby father so, so
She don’t have a problem with, with,
Saying Forget a guy Quick, quick,
Wale goes on to talk about how some women hate their child’s father. How many times have you heard women say they do not need a man? This could be true. What about the fatherless child? When I was growing up I needed my dad. Not so much that I could not live without him but just for comfort and knowing that I was love by the man that helped create me. Do we send mix signals because we use our emotions first? Do we realize the impact we have on our children?
So you know I have advice to offer. It is only right. Let first address that all women are not like the young lady shown in the video. Everyone has different experiences. I am only going by what I see and the women I come across including myself. My advice will be to wait for love. Stop looking for something that may not be meant to be. Fill a person out before you put your all. If you leave sex out of the picture you are less likely to get hurt. Keep in mind, that relationships are not perfect. I hope that we all find a prince charming but let’s be real. Take your time. Love you. If you thought you found that special someone and it does not work out, feel strong enough to move on. It is not failure. It is simply an experience. Learn from them. Hope this helps.
Mr. Wale, sir you have adopted a new fan. I love the song and video.
LNP
Love vs. Lust
Love is suppose to make you a better person. Uplift you. Don't become needy, spineless and insecure. Love you. It will make loving someone else easier.
Love is suppose to make you a better person. Uplift you. Not needy, spineless, insecure and one-dimensional. Lust.. the two are often confused- Emily Giffin
Does this person encourage you?
Give you that extra push?
Inspires you?
Motivate and support your ambitions?
Do you consume so much of your time around this person you can't get anything done?
Will there be life after this person?
Do you find after you break-up, you start do all the things you want to do?
"Sometimes we are only in love with the idea of love"
Gives you a lot to think about.
Love is suppose to make you a better person. Uplift you. Not needy, spineless, insecure and one-dimensional. Lust.. the two are often confused- Emily Giffin
Does this person encourage you?
Give you that extra push?
Inspires you?
Motivate and support your ambitions?
Do you consume so much of your time around this person you can't get anything done?
Will there be life after this person?
Do you find after you break-up, you start do all the things you want to do?
"Sometimes we are only in love with the idea of love"
Gives you a lot to think about.
Commentary: Hiding Herpes Status From Your Lover - Essence.com
Commentary: Hiding Herpes Status From Your Lover - Essence.com
Excerpt from essence.com
Just like with HIV, you must do more than ask a man you're planning to have sex with about his status, especially since 80% of the people who are infected don't know. You must make him get tested. If presented with the option of no sex or getting tested, any halfway sane man will opt for the inconvenience. And if he doesn't want to get tested, stay away while you wonder what he knows he has or what he's afraid to find out about. You've got a significant enough chance of avoiding HIV if you use a condom... but with herpes? Not so much. It can spread through skin-to-skin contact, even when your partner doesn't have an outbreak through a process called "shedding." So you must ask your partner to get tested specifically for herpes since it's not included on the general STI test.
Read more:Commentary: Hiding Herpes Status From Your Lover - Essence.com
Excerpt from essence.com
Just like with HIV, you must do more than ask a man you're planning to have sex with about his status, especially since 80% of the people who are infected don't know. You must make him get tested. If presented with the option of no sex or getting tested, any halfway sane man will opt for the inconvenience. And if he doesn't want to get tested, stay away while you wonder what he knows he has or what he's afraid to find out about. You've got a significant enough chance of avoiding HIV if you use a condom... but with herpes? Not so much. It can spread through skin-to-skin contact, even when your partner doesn't have an outbreak through a process called "shedding." So you must ask your partner to get tested specifically for herpes since it's not included on the general STI test.
Read more:Commentary: Hiding Herpes Status From Your Lover - Essence.com
Ladies: "Doing You":: what number are you on?
“Do you” or “Doing me”- Who coined that term? Be careful what you put out there. For what I heard or from past experiences I believe it means lack of commitment. In other terms, no strings attached, self-fulfillment, and being independent but in a sexual manner. Correct me if I am wrong, but that usually how I hear it. As a matter of fact, I heard today. It went like something like this, “Girl do not get married at 18. Before you do all that, do you first”. This was said to a 15 year-old girl. Wow! I thought. Here I am, trying to clear it up. Can we really do us? Can we really sleep with several partners? I know the world isn’t fair and men can do it blah, blah, blah. But, would you really want to? One woman read a passage to me that said “women are like sockets, be careful who you let plug it you.” The best thing I have heard.
I wanted to let my young females know that is it perfectly okay to be pure. When I say pure, I’m not saying a complete virgin. I mean anyone who is a virgin I strongly commend you to stay that way until marriage. But, lets keep it real, in this day and time there are few unless they are 11 and under. Just because you have lost your virginity does not mean you cannot wait on the next special partner especially if you have not found that “one”. It does not mean you cannot wait until you are married.
Think about it 10 minutes of satisfaction could lead to an STD, HIV/AIDs, pregnancy, a broken heart, rumors etc. It scares me because a lot of young females are inexperience and are not aware of their own bodies. Basically, at the end, we are not getting any pleasure at all. So, what’s your point? Do you want to feel loved? Do you want to feel closeness? Does sex constitutes love? Does sex make a man fall deeper in love with you? If you don’t have sex with him, will he leave you?
I am asking the question, but now in the same breath I will answer them. Here are your answers:
No you cannot as a woman have multiple sex partners. True you can do whatever you want, but it wouldn’t be wise especially at this day and time. If you know someone personally and they told you that its okay based on their past experiences. Ask them: how they ever had an STD? Ever had an unwanted pregnancy? Sit back and look at their life. Are there any success stories from what they have experienced? If there are, which I highly doubt, will your life turn out the same? Be careful whom you envy. Be you. All these different men that you are sleeping cannot possibly be “husband material”. Do you plan to spend the rest of your life with each of them? At the end of the day, is it worth it?
If you want to feel loved. Love Yourself First. No one can possibly love you more than you. If you don’t love yourself, there is no reason for you to to love another. I’m not talking about family. Some things are unconditional. Don’t look for someone to give you happiness. Trust me, if you love yourself there will be fewer things that you will tolerate. You definitely would not settle for 10 minutes or maybe less of senseless sex. Find out what makes you happy. Don’t put your life on hold for this new thing called “love”. If it is right it will come natural.
If you want to feel closeness, get to know a person. I find some ladies have sex with guys and do not even know his middle name. If you were to have an unexpected child by this guy, you could not even name his son a junior. Ask simple question like, What is your favorite color? What’s your mother’s name? What was life like in your childhood? What’s your favorite food? Do you know what makes him laugh? What ticks him them off? What type of family does he come from? Can he dance? He is right handed of left? Does he want to have children? You get my point.
Sex doesn’t constitute love. A person can be in love with you and never touched you sexually. A person can have sex with you, but don’t love you. This guy said, “I don’t have to have sex with a person to be emotionally attached to that person”.
Sex can make your relationship deeper, but don’t use sex to get to that point. If your relationship is failing, having sex just to make it better is not going to help. It might mend it for a while, but think about once the sex is over. What’s going to happen? If he is not emotionally attached then you might just become his sex buddy. If you are someone’s sex buddy, snap out of it. Don’t believe he loves you because he comes to scoop you for sex.
How do you know if you are a just a sex buddy:
If you can’t reach him after certain times
If you call and he doesn’t answer
If you do not go on dates
If you are in need, but you cannot call on him
If he does not know hardly anything about you
If you hardly know anything about him
If you have met anyone in his family, preferably his mother or father.
I can go on. No one needs to tell you. You should know. Wake up!!
If you don’t have sex with him, he may leave. So! Don’t let that bother you. If he leaves quickly, rather now, then when something really serious comes up. Trust me, he wasn’t worth it in the beginning if he is unable to stick around. You should be able to walk away with your head high. No need for him to become another sex partner. Love you. Be you. You will find love when it is right for you.
I wanted to let my young females know that is it perfectly okay to be pure. When I say pure, I’m not saying a complete virgin. I mean anyone who is a virgin I strongly commend you to stay that way until marriage. But, lets keep it real, in this day and time there are few unless they are 11 and under. Just because you have lost your virginity does not mean you cannot wait on the next special partner especially if you have not found that “one”. It does not mean you cannot wait until you are married.
Think about it 10 minutes of satisfaction could lead to an STD, HIV/AIDs, pregnancy, a broken heart, rumors etc. It scares me because a lot of young females are inexperience and are not aware of their own bodies. Basically, at the end, we are not getting any pleasure at all. So, what’s your point? Do you want to feel loved? Do you want to feel closeness? Does sex constitutes love? Does sex make a man fall deeper in love with you? If you don’t have sex with him, will he leave you?
I am asking the question, but now in the same breath I will answer them. Here are your answers:
No you cannot as a woman have multiple sex partners. True you can do whatever you want, but it wouldn’t be wise especially at this day and time. If you know someone personally and they told you that its okay based on their past experiences. Ask them: how they ever had an STD? Ever had an unwanted pregnancy? Sit back and look at their life. Are there any success stories from what they have experienced? If there are, which I highly doubt, will your life turn out the same? Be careful whom you envy. Be you. All these different men that you are sleeping cannot possibly be “husband material”. Do you plan to spend the rest of your life with each of them? At the end of the day, is it worth it?
If you want to feel loved. Love Yourself First. No one can possibly love you more than you. If you don’t love yourself, there is no reason for you to to love another. I’m not talking about family. Some things are unconditional. Don’t look for someone to give you happiness. Trust me, if you love yourself there will be fewer things that you will tolerate. You definitely would not settle for 10 minutes or maybe less of senseless sex. Find out what makes you happy. Don’t put your life on hold for this new thing called “love”. If it is right it will come natural.
If you want to feel closeness, get to know a person. I find some ladies have sex with guys and do not even know his middle name. If you were to have an unexpected child by this guy, you could not even name his son a junior. Ask simple question like, What is your favorite color? What’s your mother’s name? What was life like in your childhood? What’s your favorite food? Do you know what makes him laugh? What ticks him them off? What type of family does he come from? Can he dance? He is right handed of left? Does he want to have children? You get my point.
Sex doesn’t constitute love. A person can be in love with you and never touched you sexually. A person can have sex with you, but don’t love you. This guy said, “I don’t have to have sex with a person to be emotionally attached to that person”.
Sex can make your relationship deeper, but don’t use sex to get to that point. If your relationship is failing, having sex just to make it better is not going to help. It might mend it for a while, but think about once the sex is over. What’s going to happen? If he is not emotionally attached then you might just become his sex buddy. If you are someone’s sex buddy, snap out of it. Don’t believe he loves you because he comes to scoop you for sex.
How do you know if you are a just a sex buddy:
If you can’t reach him after certain times
If you call and he doesn’t answer
If you do not go on dates
If you are in need, but you cannot call on him
If he does not know hardly anything about you
If you hardly know anything about him
If you have met anyone in his family, preferably his mother or father.
I can go on. No one needs to tell you. You should know. Wake up!!
If you don’t have sex with him, he may leave. So! Don’t let that bother you. If he leaves quickly, rather now, then when something really serious comes up. Trust me, he wasn’t worth it in the beginning if he is unable to stick around. You should be able to walk away with your head high. No need for him to become another sex partner. Love you. Be you. You will find love when it is right for you.
You don’t Love you Lust….Sounds crazy right?
Last Tuesday I attended a meeting initially for substance abuse with the City of Portsmouth Behavioral Health. I was invited by Dee Wright and glad I accepted the invitation. The topic up for discussion was “Healthy Relationships” right up my alley.
We started with this question….
How do you know you love someone?
SACRIFICES
HAVE TO SEE THEM ALL THE TIME
HURTS WHEN YOU BREAK UP
YOU PUT THEM BEFORE YOURSELF
YOU WILL DIE FOR THEM
YOU MISS THEM WHEN YOU HE/SHE LEAVES
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL FEELING
YOU MAY ALTER YOUR LIFE FOR HIM/HER
YOU DITCH YOUR FRIENDS FOR HIM/HER
Of course we mention a handful but these were the only ones I could remember. Feel free to add more in your mind. Read my answers. Now think back. How does being in love relate to substance abuse. Take out love and use drugs. Read my answers again and relate it to someone on drugs. That’s right love is an addiction. That is why is most cases even if you’re in a bad situation it is hard to let go.
From the beginning it is not LOVE but LUST. Let me help you out:
DEVELOPMENT OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:
1. FALL IN LUST: infatuation, always around each other, can’t get enough, this is where the wine and dine takes place, dates, excitement, you believe that you are in love. Sex may takes place because you have that urge and can’t wait.
2. FALL OUT OF LOVE: the arguments start, all the things you let him/her get away with irritates you now, (he leaves the toilet seat up, throws clothes all over the house, she becomes sloppy/doesn’t care too much about her upkeep, she starts to nag/complain, he smacks when he eats, her voice is irritating). I can go on. You get the point.
3. LEARN TO HATE: described as the peak of your relationship. “It can’t get any worse than this”. The affairs may start. Disrespectful behavior. You involve other people in your relationship, fighting constantly, disagreements, argue about the smallest things, you hate to go home with them, break up and make ups, on and off. This is where you decide if its going to be over.
4. LEARN TO LOVE: the forgiveness stage, where you decide if it’s worth working out, weighing out the good vs. bad. I believe this is the stage where you decided you love that person and the lust goes out the window. TIME TO WORK THINGS OUT.
What do you think? I found this exercise interesting…..LNP
Keys to a Healthy Relationship
We know how to identify a bad relationship. Even though some may not want to accept it, but we have an idea when our relationship is going downhill. Instead of always talking about bad relationships, I decided to inform my girls on how to create a healthy relationship. I created some key points of establishing a good relationship. A lot of my points come from experience as well as my need to ask older and wiser couples. I search through my blackberry list through all my contacts. I knew all of them could help me share their experiences with our youth. Whether they were business or personal, at this point their opinions mattered the most:
(Communication, Trust, Honesty, and Compromising were the MAIN replies)
These (4) most people consider are the most important.
Communication- hands down!! Everything you say has two meanings, which means it is questionable. Never assumed, just ask. Communication helps you avoid arguments.
*Include God in you relationship
*Treat your partner as an equal. Don’t believe the hype. Things should be 50/50.
*Understanding- open to hear each other sides. Most of the time you will interpret things differently.
*Trust is very important. You have to be able to trust your partner in good and bad times.
*Loyalty is a must. Be loyal and always respect your partner.
*Humor- It takes great sense of humor to survive any relationship. Laughing at the moment when you could cry and fuss is powerful.
*Dependability
*Compromising
*Honesty
*Be able to believe in that person
*Patience
*Compatibility- someone described compatibility as independence, which explains which mean meeting your partner halfway as far as needs and accomplishments.
*No matter how busy you are always make time for each other.
*Involve your partner is your life. Invite your partner out with your friends at times.
*Keep the relationship spicy. Try new things like vacations and new restaurants.
*Remember to learn to have fun together.
*Forgive- It IS okay to forgive but not forget if you don’t forgive the other person you will walk around with the burden. Bringing up old things from the past can cause strain.
*Friendship- a lot of people establish relationship but don’t truly know who the person really is. It is even worse when you establish a sexual relationship before a friendship.
*Consider your partner feelings; protect their feelings, mind and heart.
*Sex that pleases both parties involved.
*Sex that makes both partners comfortable.
*When Angry, try not to argue-you may regret it later. WORDS HURT.
*Do NOT go to BED MAD!!
*Be a firm believer in what u want- when you want something from your partner, be firm, no tears.
*Do not start name-calling or belittling
*It is better to talk to partner about your problems than someone else
*Hitting is always unacceptable
*Establish goals for your future
*Make sure finances are in order. Good credit is important.
REMEMBER:
Respect yourself. Love yourself. You cannot love someone else until you take care of that first.
Be responsible for your happiness. Don’t depend on your partner to make you happy. It may cause confusion.
Thank you all for your help. This information may help you or help someone else. I will later produce some of this valuable information on pamphlets and distribute to my youth. I love words of ENCOURAGEMENT. People like you make the world go round. :)
“AT YOUR BEST YOU ARE LOVED”
LNP
Smudges on your Mirror
It will always stick with me. My professor brought this to my attention a couple of years ago. She drew a mirror on the blackboard and made faded images with the chalk. Then she asked, “What are the smudges on your mirror?” I realized that my inner thoughts about myself didn’t come from me being insecure, but from other people’s perception of me. I also became conscious that no matter how much someone complimented me if someone said that ONE bad thing it stuck with me FOREVER. Then I thought…wait my stomach isn’t flat enough. I want the back of my legs to me smoother. My face is too fat and full. I need cheekbones more cheekbones. My teeth will need to be super straight and pearly white. They say that you are your own worst critic, but did I create these thoughts? I had the guy come to be a say, “You are beautiful, but you already know that.” I must have replied nonchalantly. I know I am beautiful but he portrayed me to be this magnificent creature. I thought to myself, yeah sure.
But, what happens when someone you trust and love deeply says negative things that make you re-evaluate yourself. When you honestly value someone’s opinion and they say the most hurtful thing... it’s no longer a smudge…it becomes a SCAR. If I love you and you love me then I can you not be speak the truth?
“Once you’ve let yourself fall in love with someone, once you put him on a high pedestal and he lets you down, you never want to experience that pain again”. (A quote from Jay-Z when discuss the issues with his father).
My thoughts wondered like crazy. This could relate to any relationship. Do we run from pain or do we stay in it and try to change? Ask yourself that question. What if someone wanted you to change? What if someone wanted something that you could never be? Wouldn’t that be the same as telling you to change your eye color? You know that’s impossible. Or would you fake it and go buy contacts? Do you stay and try to fix things? Or do you walk away because you know that you cannot be what he/she wants? Think about it. I may be getting too deep for you. Do you let a temporary high dictate your life?
I define “temporary high” as a person that makes you feel good when you are in their presence. It’s temporary because you cannot have this person when you want and/or need him or her. This person knows this. He/she knows that they control your inner thoughts. You are so addicted to this high that you don’t recognize the affects he/she has on your life, body and mind.
So I went from smudges on your mirror, hurtfulness, changing yourself to temporary high. I know my mind wonders. If you have no clue, basically I am saying you never can be everything to one person. You cannot please everyone. Take a look in the mirror. Be honest of what you see. I hope you see flaws. I hope you see potential and inspiration. Find you. Love you in the way the no one else could. Also, invest in a bottle of glass cleaner. Wipe those smudges away.
Love is Love LNP
“Once you’ve let yourself fall in love with someone, once you put him on a high pedestal and he lets you down, you never want to experience that pain again”. (A quote from Jay-Z when discuss the issues with his father).
My thoughts wondered like crazy. This could relate to any relationship. Do we run from pain or do we stay in it and try to change? Ask yourself that question. What if someone wanted you to change? What if someone wanted something that you could never be? Wouldn’t that be the same as telling you to change your eye color? You know that’s impossible. Or would you fake it and go buy contacts? Do you stay and try to fix things? Or do you walk away because you know that you cannot be what he/she wants? Think about it. I may be getting too deep for you. Do you let a temporary high dictate your life?
I define “temporary high” as a person that makes you feel good when you are in their presence. It’s temporary because you cannot have this person when you want and/or need him or her. This person knows this. He/she knows that they control your inner thoughts. You are so addicted to this high that you don’t recognize the affects he/she has on your life, body and mind.
So I went from smudges on your mirror, hurtfulness, changing yourself to temporary high. I know my mind wonders. If you have no clue, basically I am saying you never can be everything to one person. You cannot please everyone. Take a look in the mirror. Be honest of what you see. I hope you see flaws. I hope you see potential and inspiration. Find you. Love you in the way the no one else could. Also, invest in a bottle of glass cleaner. Wipe those smudges away.
Love is Love LNP
When it hits close to home......
Earlier today someone I knew personally was shot and killed by her boyfriend. I haven't seen or spoken to her in years, but that still does not change my feeling. I don't know what led up to the shooting, but there is no reason to justify why it happened. I am saddened about the loss and in disbelief of how someone so young, life could be taken away.
This is what I'm fighting for everyday. Just when I thought I should take a break.... The subject of domestic violence is silent, but it does come to light. I just hate for it to come in the form of death. I know this has affected several people I know. I just want everyone to get out of the mentality "it can't happen to me". It can. Regardless if it happens to you or not, it happened to someone you know. That should be enough. My heart goes out to the families and love ones affected by this tragedy...
LNP
This is what I'm fighting for everyday. Just when I thought I should take a break.... The subject of domestic violence is silent, but it does come to light. I just hate for it to come in the form of death. I know this has affected several people I know. I just want everyone to get out of the mentality "it can't happen to me". It can. Regardless if it happens to you or not, it happened to someone you know. That should be enough. My heart goes out to the families and love ones affected by this tragedy...
LNP
Love Is Not Drama: How to Spot Signs Of Domestic Violence
Checking your text messages and personal e-mail accounts. Forbidding you to attend family gatherings and girlfriend getaways. Are these regular occurrences in your home? If so, you might be in an abusive relationship. Domestic violence knows no color, income level or religion. And ladies, don't assume that all abuse is strictly physical. In fact, Dr. Oliver Williams, executive director of the Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community, says, "Many women say that the physical scars usually heal but the emotional scars are often much harder to recover from." Read on for more signs of domestic violence from Johnica Reed of My Sister's Place, a shelter for battered women and their children in Washington, D.C., and useful suggestions for getting the help you need.
10 Warning Signs That You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship
• You are afraid of your boyfriend or husband's temper.
• You are afraid to disagree with your partner.
• Your partner controls your finances.
• You are unable to go out, get a job, or go to school without his permission.
• You have to justify everything you do, every place you go, and every person you see to avoid his temper.•
You neglect friends or family because of your partner's jealousy.
• You have been wrongly and repeatedly accused of flirting or having sex with others.
• You have been frightened by your partner's violence towards others.
• You have been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you.
• Your partner often criticizes your clothes, friends and other personal choices.
According to Reed, there are three common phases of abuse.
The length of each stage varies depending on relationship, with the total cycle taking from a few hours to a year or more to complete. Emotional abuse is typically present in all three stages and women often return to their partner during the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase becomes shorter as the cycle repeats itself and violent behavior increases.
"Many women think that if a partner shows attention, although it is negative attention, that an investment is being made in them," warns Dr. Williams. Ladies, heed the warning signs early and seek help as soon as possible. For assistance with an abuser in your home or the home of a loved one, contact your local domestic violence shelter, advises Dr. Williams. Ask them to help you develop a safety plan. Visit the sites below for more information.
Institute on Domestic Violence in the African-American Community, dvinstitute.org
My Sister's Place, mysistersplacedc.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline, ndvh.org or call (800)799-SAFE.
http://www.essence.com/relationships/men/articles/domestic_violence_spot_the_signs/
10 Warning Signs That You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship
• You are afraid of your boyfriend or husband's temper.
• You are afraid to disagree with your partner.
• Your partner controls your finances.
• You are unable to go out, get a job, or go to school without his permission.
• You have to justify everything you do, every place you go, and every person you see to avoid his temper.•
You neglect friends or family because of your partner's jealousy.
• You have been wrongly and repeatedly accused of flirting or having sex with others.
• You have been frightened by your partner's violence towards others.
• You have been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you.
• Your partner often criticizes your clothes, friends and other personal choices.
According to Reed, there are three common phases of abuse.
The length of each stage varies depending on relationship, with the total cycle taking from a few hours to a year or more to complete. Emotional abuse is typically present in all three stages and women often return to their partner during the honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase becomes shorter as the cycle repeats itself and violent behavior increases.
"Many women think that if a partner shows attention, although it is negative attention, that an investment is being made in them," warns Dr. Williams. Ladies, heed the warning signs early and seek help as soon as possible. For assistance with an abuser in your home or the home of a loved one, contact your local domestic violence shelter, advises Dr. Williams. Ask them to help you develop a safety plan. Visit the sites below for more information.
Institute on Domestic Violence in the African-American Community, dvinstitute.org
My Sister's Place, mysistersplacedc.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline, ndvh.org or call (800)799-SAFE.
http://www.essence.com/relationships/men/articles/domestic_violence_spot_the_signs/
The New Age of Texting
When you hear the term "sexting," you may think the harmless exchange of risqué text messages to your beau. However, today's younger generation has given a new definition to the name. Sexting has become a popular trend among middle and high school students who send promiscuous photos to one another via cell phones and PDAs. This in itself can be disturbing, but with sexting, it hardly ever stops there.
Unquestionably, sexting can reap consequences and a bruised reputation is only part of it. Teenagers around the country have been charged for the risky conduct. Depending on the cases, the repercussions can be serious: child pornography charges, felonies and last but not least registering as a sex offender. According to a survey conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy in 2008, 39% of all teens are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages and 59% of all young adults were doing the same. Even more startling, last year an 18-year-old girl from Ohio committed suicide after her ex-boyfriend shared her photos with their high school friends.
The authorities can only do so much and they encourage strict enforcement of parental guidance. Besides having a talk about sex and setting ground rules, parents are urged to monitor the activity on their children's phones to help ensure they are using their device appropriately. Young adults who exchange explicit photos are especially likely to become sexually active with each other. As sexting cases continue to grow, parent-children interaction should do the same.
How would you react if you found out your son or daughter was sending sexually explicit photos/messages? What can parents do to ensure "sexting" is not happening in their homes?
http://www.essence.com/relationships/sexual_health/articles/the_new_age_of_sexting/
Unquestionably, sexting can reap consequences and a bruised reputation is only part of it. Teenagers around the country have been charged for the risky conduct. Depending on the cases, the repercussions can be serious: child pornography charges, felonies and last but not least registering as a sex offender. According to a survey conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy in 2008, 39% of all teens are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages and 59% of all young adults were doing the same. Even more startling, last year an 18-year-old girl from Ohio committed suicide after her ex-boyfriend shared her photos with their high school friends.
The authorities can only do so much and they encourage strict enforcement of parental guidance. Besides having a talk about sex and setting ground rules, parents are urged to monitor the activity on their children's phones to help ensure they are using their device appropriately. Young adults who exchange explicit photos are especially likely to become sexually active with each other. As sexting cases continue to grow, parent-children interaction should do the same.
How would you react if you found out your son or daughter was sending sexually explicit photos/messages? What can parents do to ensure "sexting" is not happening in their homes?
http://www.essence.com/relationships/sexual_health/articles/the_new_age_of_sexting/
Good Father Vs. Good Husband?
This topic can be confusing, but I understand it now. It came up after my friend and I were talking about the reality show “Gotti’s Way”. Like most men, Gotti appears to be a wonderful father. He provides for his children, spends time with them and plays a significant part in their life, but from the looks of things he does not appear to be a good husband. Now, I’m no judge. This is just my interpretation from the show. It is reality T.V. and I think it is fair to have an opinion. What’s going on? Could we be in love with the fact that our men are good fathers and excuse them from being good husbands??? Think about it….Don’t you have a right to have a good husband, especially if you have to be a wonderful mother and a good wife too. It is his responsibility to provide, so why do we sometimes feel as if it’s a privilege?
I would never tear Gotti’s wife down. I think she is a beautiful, strong and wonderful mother. The question I have is, “Why do we stay?” Why do some people stay in unhealthy relationships?
“If abusive or unhealthy relationships are so bad, then why do some people stay in them? Why don't they just stop spending time with their friend or break up with the person and stop seeing them? Sometimes it may be hard to get out of an abusive relationship. This is because violent relationships often go in cycles. After a person is violent, he or she may apologize and promise never to hurt you again, and even say that they will work on the relationship. It may be a while before that person acts violently again. These ups and downs can make it hard to leave a relationship.”
“It's hard to leave someone you care about. You may be scared or ashamed to admit that you are in an abusive relationship, or you may be simply scared to be alone without that person. You may be afraid that no one will believe you, or that your friend or partner will hurt you more if you tell someone. “
This just came to my mind today and I wanted to know what you think? You do not have to analyze their situation, but what about yours? Does your partner do what he is supposed to do? Does he respect you and your children?
Please stop settling ladies….
Think about it….
Some Info taken from www.youngwomenshealth.org. website
Love is Love LNP
I would never tear Gotti’s wife down. I think she is a beautiful, strong and wonderful mother. The question I have is, “Why do we stay?” Why do some people stay in unhealthy relationships?
“If abusive or unhealthy relationships are so bad, then why do some people stay in them? Why don't they just stop spending time with their friend or break up with the person and stop seeing them? Sometimes it may be hard to get out of an abusive relationship. This is because violent relationships often go in cycles. After a person is violent, he or she may apologize and promise never to hurt you again, and even say that they will work on the relationship. It may be a while before that person acts violently again. These ups and downs can make it hard to leave a relationship.”
“It's hard to leave someone you care about. You may be scared or ashamed to admit that you are in an abusive relationship, or you may be simply scared to be alone without that person. You may be afraid that no one will believe you, or that your friend or partner will hurt you more if you tell someone. “
This just came to my mind today and I wanted to know what you think? You do not have to analyze their situation, but what about yours? Does your partner do what he is supposed to do? Does he respect you and your children?
Please stop settling ladies….
Think about it….
Some Info taken from www.youngwomenshealth.org. website
Love is Love LNP
How do I get out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship?
First, if you think that you are in an unhealthy relationship, you should talk to a parent, friend, counselor, doctor, teacher, coach or other trusted person about your relationship. Tell them why you think the relationship is unhealthy and exactly what the other person has done (hit, pressured you to have sex, tried to control you). You may want to look back at the list of "warning signs" to help you to explain the situation to an adult. If necessary, this trusted adult can help you contact your parents, counselors, school security, or even the police about the violence. With help, you can get out of an unhealthy relationship.
Sometimes, leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous so it is very important for you to make a Safety Plan. Leaving the relationship will be a lot easier and safer if you have a plan. Here are some tips on making Your Safety Plan:
Tell a trusted adult like a parent, counselor, doctor, teacher or spiritual leader.
Tell the person who is abusing you that you do not want to see him or her or break up with this person over the phone so they cannot touch you. Do this when your parents or guardians are at home so you know you will be safe in your house.
Go to your doctor or hospital for treatment if you have been injured.
Keep track of any violence. A diary is a good way to keep track of the date the violence happened, where you were, exactly what the person you are dating did, and exactly what effects it caused (bruises, for example). This will be important if you need the police to issue a restraining order against the person.
Avoid contact with the person.
Spend time with your other friends and walk with them and not by yourself.
Think of safe places to go in case of an emergency like a police station or even a public place like a restaurant or mall.
Carry a cell phone, phone card, or money for a call in case you need to call for help. Use code words. You should decide on the code words ahead of time with your family so that they will know that your signal means that you can't talk easily and you need help.
Call 911 right away if you are ever afraid that the person is following you or is going to hurt you.
Keep domestic violence hot-line numbers in your wallet or another secure place, or program them into your cell phone.
http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/safety_in_relat.html
Sometimes, leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous so it is very important for you to make a Safety Plan. Leaving the relationship will be a lot easier and safer if you have a plan. Here are some tips on making Your Safety Plan:
Tell a trusted adult like a parent, counselor, doctor, teacher or spiritual leader.
Tell the person who is abusing you that you do not want to see him or her or break up with this person over the phone so they cannot touch you. Do this when your parents or guardians are at home so you know you will be safe in your house.
Go to your doctor or hospital for treatment if you have been injured.
Keep track of any violence. A diary is a good way to keep track of the date the violence happened, where you were, exactly what the person you are dating did, and exactly what effects it caused (bruises, for example). This will be important if you need the police to issue a restraining order against the person.
Avoid contact with the person.
Spend time with your other friends and walk with them and not by yourself.
Think of safe places to go in case of an emergency like a police station or even a public place like a restaurant or mall.
Carry a cell phone, phone card, or money for a call in case you need to call for help. Use code words. You should decide on the code words ahead of time with your family so that they will know that your signal means that you can't talk easily and you need help.
Call 911 right away if you are ever afraid that the person is following you or is going to hurt you.
Keep domestic violence hot-line numbers in your wallet or another secure place, or program them into your cell phone.
http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/safety_in_relat.html
Signs of an abusive relationship
There are many signs that you could be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Take a look at this list of "warning signs" and see if these statements describe your relationship:
Your friend or the person you are going out with:
is jealous or possessive of you—he or she gets angry when you talk or hang out with other friends or people of the opposite sex
bosses you around, makes all the decisions, tells you what to do
tells you what to wear, who to talk to, where you can go
is violent to other people, gets in fights a lot, loses his/her temper a lot
pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don't want to do
uses drugs and alcohol and tries to pressure you into doing the same thing
swears at you or uses mean language
blames you for his or her problems, tells you that it is your fault that he or she hurt you
insults you or tries to embarrass you in front of other people
has physically hurt you
makes you feel scared of their reactions to things
calls to check up on you all the time and wants to always know where you are going and who you are with
Your friend or the person you are going out with:
is jealous or possessive of you—he or she gets angry when you talk or hang out with other friends or people of the opposite sex
bosses you around, makes all the decisions, tells you what to do
tells you what to wear, who to talk to, where you can go
is violent to other people, gets in fights a lot, loses his/her temper a lot
pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don't want to do
uses drugs and alcohol and tries to pressure you into doing the same thing
swears at you or uses mean language
blames you for his or her problems, tells you that it is your fault that he or she hurt you
insults you or tries to embarrass you in front of other people
has physically hurt you
makes you feel scared of their reactions to things
calls to check up on you all the time and wants to always know where you are going and who you are with
How do you know you are in a healthy relationship?
How do I know that I have a healthy relationship with someone?
-You know that you are in a healthy relationship with someone because you feel good about yourself when you are around that person. Unhealthy relationships can make you feel sad, angry, scared, or worried.
-Healthy peer relationships involve an equal amount of give and take in the relationship. In unhealthy relationships, there is an unfair balance. You may feel that most of the time you are giving the other person more attention than they give to you.
-You should feel safe around the other person and feel that you can trust him/her with your secrets. In a healthy relationship, you like to spend time with the other person, instead of feeling like you're pressured into spending time with them. Unhealthy relationships do not include trust and respect, which are very important parts of a family relationship, good friendship, or dating relationship. No one deserves to be in an unhealthy relationship.
Info taken from: http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/healthy_relat.html
-You know that you are in a healthy relationship with someone because you feel good about yourself when you are around that person. Unhealthy relationships can make you feel sad, angry, scared, or worried.
-Healthy peer relationships involve an equal amount of give and take in the relationship. In unhealthy relationships, there is an unfair balance. You may feel that most of the time you are giving the other person more attention than they give to you.
-You should feel safe around the other person and feel that you can trust him/her with your secrets. In a healthy relationship, you like to spend time with the other person, instead of feeling like you're pressured into spending time with them. Unhealthy relationships do not include trust and respect, which are very important parts of a family relationship, good friendship, or dating relationship. No one deserves to be in an unhealthy relationship.
Info taken from: http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/healthy_relat.html
Commitment?
"I was cool with no commitment. No, wait it was you, so I was with it." - Destiny Child (Is she the Reason)
Does this song sound familiar? Are these the words that you live by? Are you okay with no commitment? I mean is it not the norm to “just kick it?” Some ladies just do not want a relationship, but then are they considered a lady? Especially when sex is involved. When we go out on a limb and yelled no commitment. What exactly are we committing ourselves to? STDs, AIDS, pregnancy, a broken heart, drama etc…. It’s okay to say what you really want because that is what you deserve. It might not come right now. It will come. After all, good things come to those who wait.
Don’t settle because you feel as if you need someone there. Concentrate on you. What do you want out of life? What are your goals? What can you do to make yourself a better person?
Is okay to have a relationship as long as it is a healthy one. However, if you are in relationship that is just based off of sex, then you are not in a healthy one. Before you lie down with someone make sure you know him or her well. There is no need to take your body through all those changes. Treat your body with respect. Get to know him or her. What are their goals? What’s his or her favorite color? Who is their favorite cousin? What’s makes him or her happy or what ticks them off? What’s his or her mother’s name? Get the picture. See, a relationship can be more than just sex. Trust me I am not schooling you because I am learning myself.
Talk to you later, I love you guys!! I do this because of you.
“The happiness that you are looking for is right in front you (the little things).”
–Rev Run.
Love is Love LNP
Does this song sound familiar? Are these the words that you live by? Are you okay with no commitment? I mean is it not the norm to “just kick it?” Some ladies just do not want a relationship, but then are they considered a lady? Especially when sex is involved. When we go out on a limb and yelled no commitment. What exactly are we committing ourselves to? STDs, AIDS, pregnancy, a broken heart, drama etc…. It’s okay to say what you really want because that is what you deserve. It might not come right now. It will come. After all, good things come to those who wait.
Don’t settle because you feel as if you need someone there. Concentrate on you. What do you want out of life? What are your goals? What can you do to make yourself a better person?
Is okay to have a relationship as long as it is a healthy one. However, if you are in relationship that is just based off of sex, then you are not in a healthy one. Before you lie down with someone make sure you know him or her well. There is no need to take your body through all those changes. Treat your body with respect. Get to know him or her. What are their goals? What’s his or her favorite color? Who is their favorite cousin? What’s makes him or her happy or what ticks them off? What’s his or her mother’s name? Get the picture. See, a relationship can be more than just sex. Trust me I am not schooling you because I am learning myself.
Talk to you later, I love you guys!! I do this because of you.
“The happiness that you are looking for is right in front you (the little things).”
–Rev Run.
Love is Love LNP
You got to love Him!!
If you have not read Steve Harvey’s new book, Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man, you are definitely missing out. Mr. Harvey is definitely keeping it real! I was so excited about it; I read it in one night. I keep it in arms reached just in case I need to skim through it. Trust me my friends would not get to borrow this one! I learned a great deal. Most things I already knew, but just did not want to hear. It gave me a new perspective on my future relationships and also my past. If you have read the book and it did not have an affect on you, then you are probably in denial. Every woman can learn from this book. Besides it is the truth. So, get out of your denial stage, read it, learn and most importantly stop repeating the same mistakes.
“Don’t be another heartbreak story. Start putting yourself first—get where you want to be, and make your man be all that he can be. Remember this: the number one cause of failure is this country is the fear of failure. Fear paralyzes you from taking action. Don’t be afraid to lose him, because if a man truly loves you, he’s not going anywhere.”--- Steve Harvey, Act like a Lady, Think Like A Man 2009.
On that note, stop settling for less. We as women know exactly what we want. So, why are we getting dragged in the mud again? Why are we insisting that this man is going to change? These may be your questions. Steve definitely has the answers. Go get the book!
Love is Love
LNP
“Don’t be another heartbreak story. Start putting yourself first—get where you want to be, and make your man be all that he can be. Remember this: the number one cause of failure is this country is the fear of failure. Fear paralyzes you from taking action. Don’t be afraid to lose him, because if a man truly loves you, he’s not going anywhere.”--- Steve Harvey, Act like a Lady, Think Like A Man 2009.
On that note, stop settling for less. We as women know exactly what we want. So, why are we getting dragged in the mud again? Why are we insisting that this man is going to change? These may be your questions. Steve definitely has the answers. Go get the book!
Love is Love
LNP
WHAT IS YOUR KNOWLEDGE ON TEEN DATING ABUSE???
Teen dating abuse is like domestic violence in adults in that it also is a pattern of abusive behavior used to control another person. Teen dating abuse can include emotional or mental abuse, sexual abuse, and physical abuse.
Like adult domestic violence, teen relationship abuse affects all types of teens, regardless of their how much money their parents make, what their grades are, how they look or dress, their religion, or their race. Teen relationship abuse occurs in heterosexual, gay, and lesbian relationships.
Relationship abuse not only poses direct dangers for teens but also puts them at risk for other problems. Teens who experience violent relationship abuse are more likely to take sexual risks, do poorly in school, and use drugs and alcohol. Girls are at higher risk for pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and suicide attempts.17
Taken from:
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/domestic-violence-teen-relationship-abuse
Like adult domestic violence, teen relationship abuse affects all types of teens, regardless of their how much money their parents make, what their grades are, how they look or dress, their religion, or their race. Teen relationship abuse occurs in heterosexual, gay, and lesbian relationships.
Relationship abuse not only poses direct dangers for teens but also puts them at risk for other problems. Teens who experience violent relationship abuse are more likely to take sexual risks, do poorly in school, and use drugs and alcohol. Girls are at higher risk for pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and suicide attempts.17
Taken from:
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/domestic-violence-teen-relationship-abuse