Impossible Standards: Nothing I do works: Diary of a Black Girl

Sitting here after a long day of work, I hardly ever watch 106 and Park. For one, I don't have a lot of time and for two it seems as if it draws more attention to the younger crowd. That's another story. This guy with beautiful skin and dreads laid neatly in all the right places caught my eyes. Wale. I pronounced his name as Whale when I first seen it. How silly of me? Let's get on task here. Did u see the video? It was heartfelt as I described earlier it was way too familiar. That diary belonged to me at least some part of my life and/or one or many of my close friends. The message I am assuming he is trying to convey is that we (women) carry hurt on from one relationship to another. At the beginning of the video he has a brief encounter with this girl who just fans him off. She doesn’t seem interested to know what he has to offer her, if anything. If you listen closely you can hear her friend tell her “don’t even sweat it”, as if they’re discussing something prior.


“Rather lose love than to move on never knowing what it feels like.” That is a powerful statement. I believe that young women go through a phase in a relationship where they assume it is love and are afraid to let go. Sometimes I want to tell young women “if you ever experience real love then you will not waste your time.” The reality is we know when something is not right. We just do not want to believe it and hope it will get better. This is normal, but sometimes enough is enough.

Wait there is more…..


“Listen to your friend gets another man for a minute then repeat,
Queen, you deserve the title but she rejects what I give, while she nurses the wounds by them.” I have to agree with Wale again. I have heard women say, “No need to start a new relationship it will be the same.” What about the women who give the next dude a tough time because she is scorn? We have our guard up the second time around. Sometimes when we have experienced an unhealthy relationship, we do not realize when someone else’s intentions are good.

“Raised by a momma who, who,
Hate her baby father so, so
She don’t have a problem with, with,
Saying Forget a guy Quick, quick,

Wale goes on to talk about how some women hate their child’s father. How many times have you heard women say they do not need a man? This could be true. What about the fatherless child? When I was growing up I needed my dad. Not so much that I could not live without him but just for comfort and knowing that I was love by the man that helped create me. Do we send mix signals because we use our emotions first? Do we realize the impact we have on our children?

So you know I have advice to offer. It is only right. Let first address that all women are not like the young lady shown in the video. Everyone has different experiences. I am only going by what I see and the women I come across including myself. My advice will be to wait for love. Stop looking for something that may not be meant to be. Fill a person out before you put your all. If you leave sex out of the picture you are less likely to get hurt. Keep in mind, that relationships are not perfect. I hope that we all find a prince charming but let’s be real. Take your time. Love you. If you thought you found that special someone and it does not work out, feel strong enough to move on. It is not failure. It is simply an experience. Learn from them. Hope this helps.

Mr. Wale, sir you have adopted a new fan. I love the song and video.

LNP

Love vs. Lust

Love is suppose to make you a better person. Uplift you. Don't become needy, spineless and insecure. Love you. It will make loving someone else easier.
Love is suppose to make you a better person. Uplift you. Not needy, spineless, insecure and one-dimensional. Lust.. the two are often confused- Emily Giffin

Does this person encourage you?

Give you that extra push?

Inspires you?

Motivate and support your ambitions?

Do you consume so much of your time around this person you can't get anything done?

Will there be life after this person?

Do you find after you break-up, you start do all the things you want to do?

"Sometimes we are only in love with the idea of love"

Gives you a lot to think about.

Commentary: Hiding Herpes Status From Your Lover - Essence.com

Commentary: Hiding Herpes Status From Your Lover - Essence.com

Excerpt from essence.com

Just like with HIV, you must do more than ask a man you're planning to have sex with about his status, especially since 80% of the people who are infected don't know. You must make him get tested. If presented with the option of no sex or getting tested, any halfway sane man will opt for the inconvenience. And if he doesn't want to get tested, stay away while you wonder what he knows he has or what he's afraid to find out about. You've got a significant enough chance of avoiding HIV if you use a condom... but with herpes? Not so much. It can spread through skin-to-skin contact, even when your partner doesn't have an outbreak through a process called "shedding." So you must ask your partner to get tested specifically for herpes since it's not included on the general STI test.



Read more:Commentary: Hiding Herpes Status From Your Lover - Essence.com

Ladies: "Doing You":: what number are you on?

“Do you” or “Doing me”- Who coined that term? Be careful what you put out there. For what I heard or from past experiences I believe it means lack of commitment. In other terms, no strings attached, self-fulfillment, and being independent but in a sexual manner. Correct me if I am wrong, but that usually how I hear it. As a matter of fact, I heard today. It went like something like this, “Girl do not get married at 18. Before you do all that, do you first”. This was said to a 15 year-old girl. Wow! I thought. Here I am, trying to clear it up. Can we really do us? Can we really sleep with several partners? I know the world isn’t fair and men can do it blah, blah, blah. But, would you really want to? One woman read a passage to me that said “women are like sockets, be careful who you let plug it you.” The best thing I have heard.
I wanted to let my young females know that is it perfectly okay to be pure. When I say pure, I’m not saying a complete virgin. I mean anyone who is a virgin I strongly commend you to stay that way until marriage. But, lets keep it real, in this day and time there are few unless they are 11 and under. Just because you have lost your virginity does not mean you cannot wait on the next special partner especially if you have not found that “one”. It does not mean you cannot wait until you are married.

Think about it 10 minutes of satisfaction could lead to an STD, HIV/AIDs, pregnancy, a broken heart, rumors etc. It scares me because a lot of young females are inexperience and are not aware of their own bodies. Basically, at the end, we are not getting any pleasure at all. So, what’s your point? Do you want to feel loved? Do you want to feel closeness? Does sex constitutes love? Does sex make a man fall deeper in love with you? If you don’t have sex with him, will he leave you?

I am asking the question, but now in the same breath I will answer them. Here are your answers:
No you cannot as a woman have multiple sex partners. True you can do whatever you want, but it wouldn’t be wise especially at this day and time. If you know someone personally and they told you that its okay based on their past experiences. Ask them: how they ever had an STD? Ever had an unwanted pregnancy? Sit back and look at their life. Are there any success stories from what they have experienced? If there are, which I highly doubt, will your life turn out the same? Be careful whom you envy. Be you. All these different men that you are sleeping cannot possibly be “husband material”. Do you plan to spend the rest of your life with each of them? At the end of the day, is it worth it?

If you want to feel loved. Love Yourself First. No one can possibly love you more than you. If you don’t love yourself, there is no reason for you to to love another. I’m not talking about family. Some things are unconditional. Don’t look for someone to give you happiness. Trust me, if you love yourself there will be fewer things that you will tolerate. You definitely would not settle for 10 minutes or maybe less of senseless sex. Find out what makes you happy. Don’t put your life on hold for this new thing called “love”. If it is right it will come natural.

If you want to feel closeness, get to know a person. I find some ladies have sex with guys and do not even know his middle name. If you were to have an unexpected child by this guy, you could not even name his son a junior. Ask simple question like, What is your favorite color? What’s your mother’s name? What was life like in your childhood? What’s your favorite food? Do you know what makes him laugh? What ticks him them off? What type of family does he come from? Can he dance? He is right handed of left? Does he want to have children? You get my point.

Sex doesn’t constitute love. A person can be in love with you and never touched you sexually. A person can have sex with you, but don’t love you. This guy said, “I don’t have to have sex with a person to be emotionally attached to that person”.

Sex can make your relationship deeper, but don’t use sex to get to that point. If your relationship is failing, having sex just to make it better is not going to help. It might mend it for a while, but think about once the sex is over. What’s going to happen? If he is not emotionally attached then you might just become his sex buddy. If you are someone’s sex buddy, snap out of it. Don’t believe he loves you because he comes to scoop you for sex.

How do you know if you are a just a sex buddy:

If you can’t reach him after certain times
If you call and he doesn’t answer
If you do not go on dates
If you are in need, but you cannot call on him
If he does not know hardly anything about you
If you hardly know anything about him
If you have met anyone in his family, preferably his mother or father.
I can go on. No one needs to tell you. You should know. Wake up!!

If you don’t have sex with him, he may leave. So! Don’t let that bother you. If he leaves quickly, rather now, then when something really serious comes up. Trust me, he wasn’t worth it in the beginning if he is unable to stick around. You should be able to walk away with your head high. No need for him to become another sex partner. Love you. Be you. You will find love when it is right for you.

You don’t Love you Lust….Sounds crazy right?

Last Tuesday I attended a meeting initially for substance abuse with the City of Portsmouth Behavioral Health. I was invited by Dee Wright and glad I accepted the invitation. The topic up for discussion was “Healthy Relationships” right up my alley.

We started with this question….

How do you know you love someone?

SACRIFICES
HAVE TO SEE THEM ALL THE TIME
HURTS WHEN YOU BREAK UP
YOU PUT THEM BEFORE YOURSELF
YOU WILL DIE FOR THEM
YOU MISS THEM WHEN YOU HE/SHE LEAVES
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL FEELING
YOU MAY ALTER YOUR LIFE FOR HIM/HER
YOU DITCH YOUR FRIENDS FOR HIM/HER

Of course we mention a handful but these were the only ones I could remember. Feel free to add more in your mind. Read my answers. Now think back. How does being in love relate to substance abuse. Take out love and use drugs. Read my answers again and relate it to someone on drugs. That’s right love is an addiction. That is why is most cases even if you’re in a bad situation it is hard to let go.

From the beginning it is not LOVE but LUST. Let me help you out:

DEVELOPMENT OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP:

1. FALL IN LUST: infatuation, always around each other, can’t get enough, this is where the wine and dine takes place, dates, excitement, you believe that you are in love. Sex may takes place because you have that urge and can’t wait.

2. FALL OUT OF LOVE: the arguments start, all the things you let him/her get away with irritates you now, (he leaves the toilet seat up, throws clothes all over the house, she becomes sloppy/doesn’t care too much about her upkeep, she starts to nag/complain, he smacks when he eats, her voice is irritating). I can go on. You get the point.

3. LEARN TO HATE: described as the peak of your relationship. “It can’t get any worse than this”. The affairs may start. Disrespectful behavior. You involve other people in your relationship, fighting constantly, disagreements, argue about the smallest things, you hate to go home with them, break up and make ups, on and off. This is where you decide if its going to be over.

4. LEARN TO LOVE: the forgiveness stage, where you decide if it’s worth working out, weighing out the good vs. bad. I believe this is the stage where you decided you love that person and the lust goes out the window. TIME TO WORK THINGS OUT.

What do you think? I found this exercise interesting…..LNP

Keys to a Healthy Relationship

We know how to identify a bad relationship. Even though some may not want to accept it, but we have an idea when our relationship is going downhill. Instead of always talking about bad relationships, I decided to inform my girls on how to create a healthy relationship. I created some key points of establishing a good relationship. A lot of my points come from experience as well as my need to ask older and wiser couples. I search through my blackberry list through all my contacts. I knew all of them could help me share their experiences with our youth. Whether they were business or personal, at this point their opinions mattered the most:

(Communication, Trust, Honesty, and Compromising were the MAIN replies)
These (4) most people consider are the most important.

Communication- hands down!! Everything you say has two meanings, which means it is questionable. Never assumed, just ask. Communication helps you avoid arguments.

*Include God in you relationship

*Treat your partner as an equal. Don’t believe the hype. Things should be 50/50.

*Understanding- open to hear each other sides. Most of the time you will interpret things differently.

*Trust is very important. You have to be able to trust your partner in good and bad times.

*Loyalty is a must. Be loyal and always respect your partner.

*Humor- It takes great sense of humor to survive any relationship. Laughing at the moment when you could cry and fuss is powerful.

*Dependability

*Compromising

*Honesty

*Be able to believe in that person

*Patience

*Compatibility- someone described compatibility as independence, which explains which mean meeting your partner halfway as far as needs and accomplishments.


*No matter how busy you are always make time for each other.

*Involve your partner is your life. Invite your partner out with your friends at times.

*Keep the relationship spicy. Try new things like vacations and new restaurants.

*Remember to learn to have fun together.

*Forgive- It IS okay to forgive but not forget if you don’t forgive the other person you will walk around with the burden. Bringing up old things from the past can cause strain.


*Friendship- a lot of people establish relationship but don’t truly know who the person really is. It is even worse when you establish a sexual relationship before a friendship.


*Consider your partner feelings; protect their feelings, mind and heart.

*Sex that pleases both parties involved.

*Sex that makes both partners comfortable.

*When Angry, try not to argue-you may regret it later. WORDS HURT.

*Do NOT go to BED MAD!!

*Be a firm believer in what u want- when you want something from your partner, be firm, no tears.

*Do not start name-calling or belittling

*It is better to talk to partner about your problems than someone else

*Hitting is always unacceptable

*Establish goals for your future

*Make sure finances are in order. Good credit is important.




REMEMBER:

Respect yourself. Love yourself. You cannot love someone else until you take care of that first.

Be responsible for your happiness. Don’t depend on your partner to make you happy. It may cause confusion.

Thank you all for your help. This information may help you or help someone else. I will later produce some of this valuable information on pamphlets and distribute to my youth. I love words of ENCOURAGEMENT. People like you make the world go round. :)

“AT YOUR BEST YOU ARE LOVED”

LNP

What is LYF???

LYF is LOVING YOURSELF FIRST. We are not targeting just girls and women who have been abused. We are targeting all women from all walks of life. Our goal is to raise public awareness about domestic violence because we know that it has an impact on self-esteem. Our purpose is to build self-love and respect. We want to give our youth something to belong to. We want to create a great influence that anything is possible. We are trying to prevent the cycle of abuse and low self-esteem, so we can become better mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandparents, friends and so on. With that said, come out and support us! JOIN LYF FOUNDATION!

love is love

LNP