When love becomes a drug

In a sense, a substance abuser is the same as a domestic violence victim. No matter how much you struggle to make them understand that their situation is harming them, they have to let go when they are ready. Just like drugs, "harmful love" can damage your body. It makes you risk everything. You start to justify the actions behind the behavior. It clouds your vision and you are unable to see that problems exist. It keeps you separate from your family and friends. When it seems like people pull in close to help the more your run farther away. So what do family and friends do? Sit by the phone to wait for "that call"? Since we are comparing drugs to abuse then wouldn't we use the same remedy to escape from abuse as we would from drugs?The best thing to do to stop using drugs is to get away from the drug or to distant yourself from activities that influence the drug use. To successfully complete your stages of withdrawal you will need to have ongoing support from family, friends and the community.

The first step is to realize that a problem exists:

Some people do not know what abuse is. If he or she feels the situation is normal how do one know to get out? Explain to them what abuse is. Remember: abuse can be VERBAL, EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL, SEXUAL and FINANCIAL.

So, what can you do to help your friend and/or family member to understand that is an abusive situation?

LISTEN: be there for them at all times. When he/she is ready to talk, you will be the first person he/she calls.
PLEASE DON'T JUDGE: The more you state that you dislike his/her partner then he or she will feel you don't have his/her best interest. However, take caution. Know what behavior to report and seek further help. Your friend may be upset but he/she will live to get over it.
SPEND TIME WITH HIM/HER AT MUCH AS POSSIBLE: Most abusers isolate their victims. Keep his/her mind free and able to spend less time with the perpetrator. The attacks happen usually behind close doors and usually in their home. Keep him/her busy and out of the house.
HELP HIM/HER CREATE A SAFETY PLAN: Love isn't the only reason why he/she may be there. Financial reasons may be why he/she stays. There is fear of failure especially for married couples or for couples with children. He/she needs a plan to figure out where the income will come from and/or where to escape if a severe attack happens. To help a friend build a safety plan, visit this site and scrolled down to the bottom of the page http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html

GIVE HIM/HER A NATIONAL HOTLINE NUMBER: just in case she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you. Some victims are afraid to be judged and sometimes family and/or friends tend to gossip when they get frustrates about a love one's situation.
To find out about help in your area, call:National Domestic Violence Hotline:1-800-799-SAFE1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
TAKE CAUTION: Know what behavior to report and seek further help. Your friend may be upset but he/she will live to get over it.
DO NOT PUT YOURSELF AT HARM: If you get a call, never go alone. Domestic situations are even risky for Law Enforcement. If you are on your way, call the police to meet you.

Do not be ignorant and/or shallow. You might think the behavior he or she is putting up with is stupid. Of course it is, but we all do stupid things and at the end we all need support.

LNP

11 signs of Emotional Abuse

1. Constant phone calls, text-messages, e-mails, IMs, etc. to check up on you (harrassment)
2. Extreme jealousy when you talk to or spend time with other people
3. Name-calling or putting you down, either when you're alone or with other people.
4. Behavior that you have to apologize or make excuses for.
5. Statements like, "I can't live without you. If you leave me, I'll kill myself."
6. You feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy in your relationship.
7. You're scared to upset or make your partner angry.
8. You've seen your partner hurt or talk down to other people.
9. You're down on yourself, or even hate yourself, especially when you're together.
10.You lie about the bruises or cuts you have.
11.You don't spend as much time with your friends, and you feel isolated.


Read more at Suite101: 4 Different Types of Abuse: How to Recognize Abusive Relationships
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/recognizing_four_types_of_abuse


Know the signs, learn them and learn to love yourself. It is not worth it.

LNP

Impossible Standards: Nothing I do works: Diary of a Black Girl

Sitting here after a long day of work, I hardly ever watch 106 and Park. For one, I don't have a lot of time and for two it seems as if it draws more attention to the younger crowd. That's another story. This guy with beautiful skin and dreads laid neatly in all the right places caught my eyes. Wale. I pronounced his name as Whale when I first seen it. How silly of me? Let's get on task here. Did u see the video? It was heartfelt as I described earlier it was way too familiar. That diary belonged to me at least some part of my life and/or one or many of my close friends. The message I am assuming he is trying to convey is that we (women) carry hurt on from one relationship to another. At the beginning of the video he has a brief encounter with this girl who just fans him off. She doesn’t seem interested to know what he has to offer her, if anything. If you listen closely you can hear her friend tell her “don’t even sweat it”, as if they’re discussing something prior.


“Rather lose love than to move on never knowing what it feels like.” That is a powerful statement. I believe that young women go through a phase in a relationship where they assume it is love and are afraid to let go. Sometimes I want to tell young women “if you ever experience real love then you will not waste your time.” The reality is we know when something is not right. We just do not want to believe it and hope it will get better. This is normal, but sometimes enough is enough.

Wait there is more…..


“Listen to your friend gets another man for a minute then repeat,
Queen, you deserve the title but she rejects what I give, while she nurses the wounds by them.” I have to agree with Wale again. I have heard women say, “No need to start a new relationship it will be the same.” What about the women who give the next dude a tough time because she is scorn? We have our guard up the second time around. Sometimes when we have experienced an unhealthy relationship, we do not realize when someone else’s intentions are good.

“Raised by a momma who, who,
Hate her baby father so, so
She don’t have a problem with, with,
Saying Forget a guy Quick, quick,

Wale goes on to talk about how some women hate their child’s father. How many times have you heard women say they do not need a man? This could be true. What about the fatherless child? When I was growing up I needed my dad. Not so much that I could not live without him but just for comfort and knowing that I was love by the man that helped create me. Do we send mix signals because we use our emotions first? Do we realize the impact we have on our children?

So you know I have advice to offer. It is only right. Let first address that all women are not like the young lady shown in the video. Everyone has different experiences. I am only going by what I see and the women I come across including myself. My advice will be to wait for love. Stop looking for something that may not be meant to be. Fill a person out before you put your all. If you leave sex out of the picture you are less likely to get hurt. Keep in mind, that relationships are not perfect. I hope that we all find a prince charming but let’s be real. Take your time. Love you. If you thought you found that special someone and it does not work out, feel strong enough to move on. It is not failure. It is simply an experience. Learn from them. Hope this helps.

Mr. Wale, sir you have adopted a new fan. I love the song and video.

LNP

Promoting Healthy Relationships

When I utter the words “Domestic Violence” often others cringe. Believe or not, its a topic that people do not want to talk about. Women are too embarrassed and men are targeted. Then there are the stares. "Who does she think she is?" I know it is sensitive topic but I also know that no one is talking. I also know that silence is the epidemic of domestic violence. So, if my big mouth is going to help others or save a life than I will talk all day.

I know women are embarrassed because I talk to a few who have openly admitted it. We all know that these are not the type of the conversations that come up with our girls. Until I started this foundation, my girlfriends and I hardly every brought up the subject of domestic violence. Of course, we know plenty of women that were going through it, but it never was a big deal. For one, it was personal and two it is didn’t affect us. You know how grown folks say, “worry about your own front porch”. You were told to mind your business especially when issues like that arose. Which leaves me wondering, why can we throw dirt on other topics but when domestic violence comes up it is suddenly strange?


“How can we take an approach that does not demise men but make them more open to protect their daughters, friends and/or sisters. Believe or not this cannot just be a women’s issue. Majority of men are the abusers, however some are victims. We need their help. We need their voice. We need men’s voices because they have to teach their sons. We can Stop the Violence against Women, but how?

Love vs. Lust

Love is suppose to make you a better person. Uplift you. Don't become needy, spineless and insecure. Love you. It will make loving someone else easier.
Love is suppose to make you a better person. Uplift you. Not needy, spineless, insecure and one-dimensional. Lust.. the two are often confused- Emily Giffin

Does this person encourage you?

Give you that extra push?

Inspires you?

Motivate and support your ambitions?

Do you consume so much of your time around this person you can't get anything done?

Will there be life after this person?

Do you find after you break-up, you start do all the things you want to do?

"Sometimes we are only in love with the idea of love"

Gives you a lot to think about.